Monday, 21 October 2013

take a deeeeeeep breath

Yesterday, Diva choked on a grape.

Like really choked. 

I was standing right beside her, looking at a magazine, and my mother was on the other side, getting dinner ready. All of a sudden, I hear my name (which was probably the 3rd time she'd said it) and she yelled CHANTALE SHE'S CHOKING. I heard Diva make a gurgling sound. I knelt down ready to give her the Heimlich (really!) when i saw a grape pop out of her mouth. My mother said that my baby's eyes went REALLY wide and she coughed it up right as I got to her. To say that it scared the shit out of me, is an understatement.
 I had to leave right after that to get juice at the store for the kids, and my hands were shaking all the way there and back, until I sat on the couch to hold her again. Diva said she was so scared. I sat and held her while she cried (before I left) and kept saying "it's ok now, mommy's here. you're ok.Take a deep breath" She finally calmed down. But I was a wreck. All of the what if's were going through my head. What if my mom didn't see her? What if I did the Heimlich wrong? What if this happened when she was in a different room? What if I couldn't get it out? I know she's ok. But that doesn't change the fact that something bad almost happened to her RIGHT beside me. I haven't cut her grapes in half for over a year now. But I will start again. 

I hate to say that I tend to zone out sometimes, but I do (as i'm sure most people do) and it worries me that I'm not attentive enough (how much is enough?). Do my kids feel like i'm here for them? I'm sure they do, but I'm sure there are things I should do more of or do less of. LIKE playing on my stupid phone. I really need to stop. Eating with the kids. I usually let them eat, while I finish cleaning or folding laundry. From now on my paranoid little heart, i'll be eating with them. I can't imagine the thought of that happening again...

And breathe. 

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