"Why don't you have time to play with us mommy?"
That's the last thing my 4 year old said to me this morning as I dropped her off before going to work. It broke my heart a little bit (ok, a lot).
How do I tell her, that i'm working hard everyday, to keep money flowing in our home? How do I tell her, that once we get home at the end of the day, I only have 2 hours to get dinner made, them fed (slowest eaters ever!), cleaned up (a whole bath, if we're lucky), pj's, prayers and bed. And If I go over that allotted time, they are cranky and mean and spit at me because they are over-tired. And it boils over to the next day. If they don't get to bed early enough, and since they are up at 6 am, they get VERY mean and spitty again. REALLY, if I compare myself to other moms, my kids are going to bed 30 mins-60 mins too late. Oh who am I kidding... OK I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH, we get home at 6 pm, get all that crap done... then by the time I close their door it's usually 9. And they don't normally fall asleep for another hour.
So then our nights are crap. And I get cranky (i.e. mean) and the kids gets whinny and mean. And I don't have time to play. And it hurts. And those awful mornings, where the kids are tired and i'm yelling, and everything sucks, That's everyday.
On the weekends it's better. But you never really catch up on sleep though do you? Isn't that what science says? There's no such thing as catching up on sleep on the weekend. Also, they behave like crap all week, so why stop just because it's Saturday? They also are terrified of bugs right now. When I say terrified... I mean they think every mosquito is going to KILL THEM. Take last night for example, leaving my mothers house took 10 minutes. They stood and screamed in the doorway for a while, as I put their things in the car (because a mosquito flew by). Then they screamed the whole way to the car and wouldn't get in, until I closed the windows (even though it was HOT). I feel bad, because I remember being scared of bugs too. But I have no time or patience for this right now.
So on the weekend, i'll suggest going to the park, and they both get bug eyed and shake their heads no. There might be a bug in the park. The longer I stay at home, the more I see how badly we need to clean. So i get to cleaning, and purging and organizing. While my indoor-cat-kids watch movies. And once in a while, we'll color together, but they get sick of it quickly, and start fighting over crayons. Then mommy needs to rest from all the cleaning and refereeing. The only GOOD quality time I've noticed we have, is when we snuggle in bed. I get tired REALLY easily, so I go lay down and watch TV for a bit, and they come and feed me pretend food and tickle me. Those times are great. I just wish there was more of them. More time to play on the floor. More time to get dinner made early. More time for running outside, saving them from killer mosquitoes. More time for calming evening rituals and bath time, and man I hate to say, that I can't remember the last time I read a bedtime story.
These girls are getting bigger. They won't want me to play with them forever. Soon they'll be on the phone all night, and going to the mall, and drinking coffee (well if they are anything like I was at 15... lol) (my Jr. High school was in a trendy neighborhood when coffee shops were becoming all the rage, thanks to Central Perk). I need to slow down that giant clock in the sky. I need more time.