Wednesday, 5 June 2013

The new normal

When I started this blog, I knew it wouldn't always be funny and lighthearted. I have some ... stuff that I knew eventually i'd need to vent about. Because this is my outlet. So here is one (major) thing that's going on right now...

So i'm not in a good mood today. Things are going wrong, on a few different levels and I just can't focus. See the thing is, I suffer from anxiety. It feels like everyone and their uncle are coming out saying they have depression or anxiety or something. And you know what? I believe it! This world we live in is terrifying! I am not going to list all the crap things. Because really, my problems are not REAL problems. Definitely/ mostly in my head type problems. (Like I wish I could SUE Brad Pitt and everyone involved in that new horrifying movie about zombies. GAH i can't take one more zombie nightmare you guys!!!)

Have you ever had a panic attack? My whole body feels like it's folding into itself and I can't breath. I start shaking, and hyperventilating and my heart pounds like it's going to explode. And the thoughts! My mind RACES and I can't stop it. I tell myself, it's not real, the negative thoughts are not real. But then, as if a montage of bad things in a movie is playing in my head, I'm just on for the ride.
I can remember my first panic attack, and thinking of it, 6 years later, I still feel the panic. I had blacked out that time. I was at a restaurant up in a very high tower (Calgary Tower) and i'm afraid of heights. So my new boyfriend (currently not new anymore... Fox lol) didn't see the problem with trapping me on the glass floor. It started out like "ha ha ha.. ok.. stop. let me go" then quickly turned into a panicked scream (kids were laughing at me) and pushing him and running FOR MY LIFE towards the elevator, then it went black. He said I was bawling the whole elevator ride down, and kept swearing at him (in front of other people) and grabbing my chest and crying. I only remember getting to his house and falling asleep (panic attacks take a lot out of you). All this, was on my birthday.

Once, I had a panic attack at work (which started for no reason. I just needed to go outside) and I had to leave and take myself to my dr. I screamed my face off, the whole drive there. People probably thought I was NUTS. (well... lol) and they rushed me in when they saw me and talked to me like they were talking to a lost toddler.

I'm doing ok right now. Like, i'm better than I was yesterday (not mentioned above). Yesterday, I was glad to have Fox there. I just felt my body tense up and the shaking had started. And I told him to give me a hug quickly (before the nervous shakes turn into TOUCH ME AND DIE). And it helped so much. So I just want to send that thank you out there.. into public. lol He's such a great guy. He didn't ask what was wrong. He knew. I had a bad day. And was no longer able to control my reactions. Even my co-workers could tell I had been "off" for the last two days. Hopefully today I stay as calm as I am right now.

I need to take up yoga or something.
or wine. :P

1 comment:

  1. shit girl... i love that you and fox have gotten a rhythm. i love you!!